The Secret to a Marriage Thriving in Love and Money
DEAR ADVISORS,
What are the most important skills for a financial advisor to have? Proficiency in financial planning, estate planning, or maybe investment management? According to an extensive social research project conducted by Shaunti Feldhahn, the biggest barrier to married couples becoming financially free is their discomfort with talking about money with each other. How can we, as financial advisors, help clients understand and overcome this challenge? How can we help our married clients thrive in both money and love?
The survey found that while building up a cash reserve for emergency expenses is a good thing, it’s better for the marriage relationship to be able to talk about money. If you’re building up that cash reserve, but you can’t talk about money, the relationship is likely to be worse. It would be better to not have the cash reserve and be able to talk about money. As a financial advisor, trying to help a couple who can’t talk with each other about money can actually make their relationship worse.
Clash of Values - We don’t value what the other person values, and we don’t always recognize when that’s happening.
Example - While getting dinner on a date night, one spouse wanted to order a diet coke instead of water. It was inexpensive and more enjoyable. The other spouse thought that paying for a drink was a waste of money.
Key Takeaway - There may not be a right or wrong value. Talking about life-changing decisions can multiply any angst spouses are feeling.
Clash of Fears - While the spender and saver roles are not tied to gender, fears are statistically influenced by gender.
Men - For most men (75%-80%), the fear is: Will I be able to provide for my family? This results in working excessive hours, irrespective of income level or job responsibilities.
Women - For women married to the men above, the fear is: Are we okay as a family? Women respond by enhancing the closeness of the family, wanting to spend time together. This often involves spending money to “buy” family time. (i.e. eating out, vacations, etc.)
Key Takeaway - Again, there’s not a right or wrong answer. Helping clients recognize their fears and be able to talk about them is huge. Sometimes those involved do not recognize what the fear is.
Resistance to Unity - All married people are, to some degree, resisting being one in marriage. It comes out in how we handle the money.
Example - Soon after marriage, a parent might tell their newly married child to keep a separate bank account on the side “in case he flakes out on you.” But unity in marriage means working on the mindset that it’s all “our money.” Do you want to do what you want to do, or what is best for both of you?
Key Takeaways - Does your family communicate clearly about money or does the family just leave everything up to you as the financial expert? What are the names of several client couples you need to engage in conversation about their relationship with each other and about money?
The content for this post came from one of my Kingdom Advisor monthly meetings earlier this year. Kingdom Advisors is a membership community of Christian financial advisors. They provide training and CE for the Certified Kingdom Advisors certification (CKA®).
One of the outcomes of Shaunti Feldhahn’s research study for Thrivent,is this 5-minute assessment you can use with clients to help them understand where they stand with love and money. You might also consider teaching their 6-week course as a small group study for prospective or current clients in your community. My spouse and I just took the assessment and ordered Shaunti’s book to read together. I hope you can use this resource to secure the future of your family and financial advisory firm as well!
Warm regards,
Brooklyn
P.S.
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